Blonde Kidnapped
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Game
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Raw Materials
In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
Johnny's Little Brother
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
Johnny's Solution
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
Speeding Sardarji
A sardarji was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
Sardar: I think I'll take the money.
Fascinate
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My sisters sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My sisters sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
4 Golfer
Four men are on the golf course one Sunday morning, and as they were about to tee off one of them, a car dealer, says that he had a confession to make. “You know, guys, this golfing on Sunday mornings is costing me an arm and a leg. I had to give my wife a Lexus that is fully loaded in order for me to be able to come golf with you every week.”
The second man, a well known Realtor, says, “That’s nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come.”
The third man, a travel agent says, “I can top that, I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that’s gonna end-up costing me.”
The fourth man, the engineer, doesn’t say anything, so they asked him about it. He says “Well… it’s no big deal for me at all. I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife: ‘intercourse or golf course’, and here I am, just like that.”
The second man, a well known Realtor, says, “That’s nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come.”
The third man, a travel agent says, “I can top that, I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that’s gonna end-up costing me.”
The fourth man, the engineer, doesn’t say anything, so they asked him about it. He says “Well… it’s no big deal for me at all. I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife: ‘intercourse or golf course’, and here I am, just like that.”
John The Baptist
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"
First school day
Bobby returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father.
"Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent."
Bobby seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ??"
"No , that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bobby poses another question to his father. "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."
"Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent."
Bobby seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ??"
"No , that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bobby poses another question to his father. "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."
Teacher lecturing on population
A Teacher lecturing on population:
In India after Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up and says: we must find and stop her !!
In India after Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up and says: we must find and stop her !!
The Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Australian Adventure
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a man having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a man with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For God's sake!", the tourist cried: "What the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a man shagging a sheep, and now some man's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Settle down mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep."
"For God's sake!", the tourist cried: "What the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a man shagging a sheep, and now some man's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Settle down mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep."
It Shows That You’re Thinking
A young female teacher was giving her class of 6-year-olds a quiz.
"Behind my back, I have something red, round and you can eat it," she said: "What is it?"
"An apple," replied little Raymond.
"No," said the teacher: "It's a tomato but it shows that you’re thinking. I now have something round, a greenish color and you can eat it."
"An apple," replied little Ian.
"No, it's an onion, but it shows that you’re thinking," the teacher said.
Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class finally piped up and said: "I have something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."
"You dirty little boy!" exclaimed the teacher.
"No, it's a match, but it shows that you were thinking," he answered.
"Behind my back, I have something red, round and you can eat it," she said: "What is it?"
"An apple," replied little Raymond.
"No," said the teacher: "It's a tomato but it shows that you’re thinking. I now have something round, a greenish color and you can eat it."
"An apple," replied little Ian.
"No, it's an onion, but it shows that you’re thinking," the teacher said.
Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class finally piped up and said: "I have something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."
"You dirty little boy!" exclaimed the teacher.
"No, it's a match, but it shows that you were thinking," he answered.
4 Catholic men & 1 Catholic woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God."
Locked Car
A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.
A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."
The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.
A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."
Who do you want to live with?
Judge asks a little Kid: Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?
Kid: No, my mummy beats me.
Judge: Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
Kid: No, my daddy beats me too.
Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?
Kid: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!
Kid: No, my mummy beats me.
Judge: Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
Kid: No, my daddy beats me too.
Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?
Kid: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!
What happen in Detroit
A tough looking biker had been in the biker bar for quite some time when he finally decided it was time, once again to hit the road. He stepped through the front door of the bar and instantly realized that his bike had vanished from the spot he had parked it.
"All right" he said loudly, coming back into the busy biker bar "I'm going to have a shot of whisky and if my hog isn't back up front by the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!"
With that many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within moments one came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in front of the bar for him. When the tough guy started to leave the bartender asked him.
"Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?"
The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back to my hotel!"
"All right" he said loudly, coming back into the busy biker bar "I'm going to have a shot of whisky and if my hog isn't back up front by the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!"
With that many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within moments one came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in front of the bar for him. When the tough guy started to leave the bartender asked him.
"Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?"
The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back to my hotel!"
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