An Old Lady's Wish
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady: "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." As soon as she said it, there was a POOF! and her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
She smiles and says: "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." So POOF! she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh... can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. So POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
"Well, now," says the old lady: "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." As soon as she said it, there was a POOF! and her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
She smiles and says: "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." So POOF! she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh... can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. So POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
Little White Lie
Ted, a wealthy 70-year-old widower, shows up at a bar with a stunning 25-year-old blonde on his arm. The woman has the body of a model, has her arms endearingly locked around Ted’s torso and focuses intently on every syllable he utters.
Naturally, his friends at the bar are stunned. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask: "Ted, come on, where'd you get such a beautiful babe for a girlfriend?"
Ted replies: "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
Now they're completely knocked over. They continue their questioning: "Alright, how'd you get her to marry you?"
"Well, I lied about my age," Ted admits.
"How old did you say you were? 50?"
Ted smiles and says, "Nope! I told her I was 95!”
Naturally, his friends at the bar are stunned. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask: "Ted, come on, where'd you get such a beautiful babe for a girlfriend?"
Ted replies: "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
Now they're completely knocked over. They continue their questioning: "Alright, how'd you get her to marry you?"
"Well, I lied about my age," Ted admits.
"How old did you say you were? 50?"
Ted smiles and says, "Nope! I told her I was 95!”
Little Johnny
Little Johnny walks past his parents' room one night and sees them making love. Puzzled, he asks his father about it the next morning.
"Why were you doing that to Mommy last night?" he asks.
His father replies: "Because Mommy wants a baby."
The next night, Johnny spots Mommy giving Daddy a blowjob, and the next morning he asks his father: "Why was Mommy doing that to you last night?"
His father replies: "Because Mommy wants a Porsche."
"Why were you doing that to Mommy last night?" he asks.
His father replies: "Because Mommy wants a baby."
The next night, Johnny spots Mommy giving Daddy a blowjob, and the next morning he asks his father: "Why was Mommy doing that to you last night?"
His father replies: "Because Mommy wants a Porsche."
Terms of Endearment
A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his friend preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her “honey,” “darling,” “sweetheart,” and “pumpkin,” among others. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married for over 50 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said: "I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those pet names."
His friend shrugged, lowered his voice and said: "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name 10 years ago.
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said: "I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those pet names."
His friend shrugged, lowered his voice and said: "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name 10 years ago.
Country Style
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What's country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."
The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."
"What's country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."
The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."
The Unhappy Man
A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so happy.
Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."
The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."
Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."
The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
