Lifesaving Pig

A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice" he said: "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids."

The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg. "Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.

"Neither,” the man responds: “An animal like that you don't eat all at once".

An Old Lady's Wish

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.


"Well, now," says the old lady: "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." As soon as she said it, there was a POOF! and her rocking chair turns to solid gold.


She smiles and says: "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." So POOF! she turns into a beautiful young woman.


"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh... can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. So POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.


She stares at him, smitten. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

Little White Lie

Ted, a wealthy 70-year-old widower, shows up at a bar with a stunning 25-year-old blonde on his arm. The woman has the body of a model, has her arms endearingly locked around Ted’s torso and focuses intently on every syllable he utters.


Naturally, his friends at the bar are stunned. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask: "Ted, come on, where'd you get such a beautiful babe for a girlfriend?"


Ted replies: "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"


Now they're completely knocked over. They continue their questioning: "Alright, how'd you get her to marry you?"


"Well, I lied about my age," Ted admits.


"How old did you say you were? 50?"


Ted smiles and says, "Nope! I told her I was 95!”

Little Johnny

Little Johnny walks past his parents' room one night and sees them making love. Puzzled, he asks his father about it the next morning.


"Why were you doing that to Mommy last night?" he asks.


His father replies: "Because Mommy wants a baby."


The next night, Johnny spots Mommy giving Daddy a blowjob, and the next morning he asks his father: "Why was Mommy doing that to you last night?"


His father replies: "Because Mommy wants a Porsche."

Terms of Endearment

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his friend preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her “honey,” “darling,” “sweetheart,” and “pumpkin,” among others. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married for over 50 years.


While the wife was in the kitchen, he said: "I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those pet names."


His friend shrugged, lowered his voice and said: "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name 10 years ago.

Country Style

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."

The Unhappy Man

A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so happy.

Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."

The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."

Peanuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother: "Thanks for the peanuts."

"My pleasure," she says: "since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

African Safari

A big game hunter goes on an African safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman. Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically: "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says: "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the
process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he will use to
log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to
bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he
made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P...

E...

N...

I...

S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Lottery Windfall

A redneck wins the lottery and goes to Austin to claim his winnings. The man behind the counter verifies the redneck's ticket number and the redneck says: "I want my $20 million. Where is it?"


The man behind the counter replies: "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."


The redneck says: "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."


Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The redneck, furious with the man, screams out: "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 million dollars right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Blonde Repair Job

A blonde was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a dreadful hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls and her car got dented up very badly.


The next day, she takes the car to a repair shop to have the dents looked at. The repair guy, noticing that she is blonde and pretty flaky, decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tailpipe of the car really hard when she gets home, and that doing so will cause all of the dents to pop out.


When she gets home, she starts blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend -- who also is blonde -- shows up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tailpipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out: "What are you doing?"


She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tailpipe real hard and the dents would pop out.


Her girlfriend says: "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Name

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh shit, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

Little Carol

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over


LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.


LETTER 3:

Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.


LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Sardar's Question

1.) What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh.

What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).

2.) How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.

3.) Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.

4.) Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday

Hot For Teacher

A pretty teacher was concerned about one of her 11-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she said: "Little Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"


"I'm in love," the boy replied.


Holding back an urge to smile, she asked: "With whom?"


"With you," he said.


"But Johnny," she said gently: "Don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."


"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly: "I'll use a rubber."

Farting at Tiffany’s

A blonde lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over the display case to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little “whoops” and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a handsome young salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the aplomb one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with: “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little indiscretion, she asks: “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers: "Madam... if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.”

Plane

So, there are three guys.... Steven Harper, Micheal Anigtiff, and Jack Layton. Steven Harper says I bet you I can make one Canada happy by giving them $1000.

Micheal Anigitiff says I bet you I can make two Canadians happy by giving them both $500 dollars.

Jack Layton says. I bet you I can make 10 Canadians happy by giving them all $100

Then the pilot says, I bet you I can make a whole country happy. By throwing you three off this plane.

3 Nation Husband

An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch. The American woman said, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!"

The British woman agreed. "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!"

The Italian woman chimed in, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye."

Caught Lying

Jill: I had to break up with my boyfriend.... I caught him lying.

Mary: Isn't that a bit overboard Jill? At least give him a chance to explain.

Jill: Oh no, I caught him lying.....in bed and on top of another woman.