A pretty teacher was concerned about one of her 11-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she said: "Little Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked: "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently: "Don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly: "I'll use a rubber."
Farting at Tiffany’s
A blonde lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over the display case to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little “whoops” and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a handsome young salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the aplomb one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with: “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little indiscretion, she asks: “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers: "Madam... if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.”
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little “whoops” and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a handsome young salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the aplomb one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with: “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little indiscretion, she asks: “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers: "Madam... if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.”
Plane
So, there are three guys.... Steven Harper, Micheal Anigtiff, and Jack Layton. Steven Harper says I bet you I can make one Canada happy by giving them $1000.
Micheal Anigitiff says I bet you I can make two Canadians happy by giving them both $500 dollars.
Micheal Anigitiff says I bet you I can make two Canadians happy by giving them both $500 dollars.
Jack Layton says. I bet you I can make 10 Canadians happy by giving them all $100
Then the pilot says, I bet you I can make a whole country happy. By throwing you three off this plane.
3 Nation Husband
An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch. The American woman said, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!"
The British woman agreed. "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!"
The Italian woman chimed in, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye."
The British woman agreed. "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!"
The Italian woman chimed in, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye."
Caught Lying
Jill: I had to break up with my boyfriend.... I caught him lying.
Mary: Isn't that a bit overboard Jill? At least give him a chance to explain.
Jill: Oh no, I caught him lying.....in bed and on top of another woman.
Mary: Isn't that a bit overboard Jill? At least give him a chance to explain.
Jill: Oh no, I caught him lying.....in bed and on top of another woman.
Side Pain
At Sunday school, they were teaching how G~d created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother
noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I am going to have a wife."
Later in the week, his mother
noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I am going to have a wife."
Black Eye
Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."
Smart Cabbie
Two cab drivers met at a taxi stand.
"Hey," asked one: "What's the idea behind painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded: "whenever I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other!"
"Hey," asked one: "What's the idea behind painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded: "whenever I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other!"
Sardar's Essay
Once a sardar had to learn two essays for the exam.One is about friend and the other is about father.He had studied only about friend.
But in the exam the essay asked was about father.Sardar didn give up.He replaced father with friend in the essay and it read: I am a very fatherly person, I have lots of fathers, My best father is my neighbour. He ended the essay as, A father in need is a father in deed....!
Sardar filling a form
A Sandar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C.
After seeing the Form He had gone to DELHI for filling up.
You know why?
FORM says " FILL UP IN CAPITAL "
After seeing the Form He had gone to DELHI for filling up.
You know why?
FORM says " FILL UP IN CAPITAL "
3 Girls
There were 3 girls. A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde.
The redhead said, “I want to go to the farm!”.
The brunette said, “I want to go shopping!”.
And the blonde said, “I want to go to the sun!” The brunette replied, “You’ll get burned!”. The blonde said, “Don’t worry silly, I’ll go at night!”
The redhead said, “I want to go to the farm!”.
The brunette said, “I want to go shopping!”.
And the blonde said, “I want to go to the sun!” The brunette replied, “You’ll get burned!”. The blonde said, “Don’t worry silly, I’ll go at night!”
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