Tracks
3 men are stranded in the middle of the Canadian Forest and they don't know where they are at. They decide that they have to find some food. So the first man leaves and tells the other 2 that he is going to get some food.
Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weapons. He replies, " I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get deer". They both are slightly confused but let it go.
1 week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get Elk".
5 days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himself, " This is going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing.
Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, i get hit by train".
Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weapons. He replies, " I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get deer". They both are slightly confused but let it go.
1 week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get Elk".
5 days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himself, " This is going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing.
Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, i get hit by train".
Divorced
An elderly man in Boston calls his son in Los Angeles and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says: "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in St. Louis and tell her!" and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts: "I'll take care of this."
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man: "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. OK," he says: "They're coming home for the holidays and they're paying their own airfares!"
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says: "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in St. Louis and tell her!" and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts: "I'll take care of this."
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man: "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. OK," he says: "They're coming home for the holidays and they're paying their own airfares!"
Important Desert Object
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
Small Talk
Two men were seated next to each other on a plane when the first man turned to his seatmate and said: "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
"What would you like to discuss?" the second man asked.
"Oh, I don't know," said the first man: "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," the second man replied: "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the first man: "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said the second man: "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
"What would you like to discuss?" the second man asked.
"Oh, I don't know," said the first man: "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," the second man replied: "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the first man: "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said the second man: "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Drunken Alibi
A recovering alcoholic is downtown to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside, promising himself he'll only have a couple of beers and then leave. Well, he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears, sobbing: "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone."
The guy sitting next to him turns and says: "It's not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."
The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says: "That just might work. You’re a saint!"
The drunk guy goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.
She takes one look at him and screams: "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."
The drunk says: "Stop, Honey. Let me explain. It’s true I did have a couple of beers, but I'm not drunk."
She says: "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."
He replies: "It wasn’t me! A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."
She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says: "This is a $10 bill"
He looks at her and says: "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too."
The guy sitting next to him turns and says: "It's not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."
The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says: "That just might work. You’re a saint!"
The drunk guy goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.
She takes one look at him and screams: "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."
The drunk says: "Stop, Honey. Let me explain. It’s true I did have a couple of beers, but I'm not drunk."
She says: "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."
He replies: "It wasn’t me! A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."
She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says: "This is a $10 bill"
He looks at her and says: "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too."
12 Inch Man
One evening a drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12 inch tall man standing a few feet away from him.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him: "What the hell is that?"
The guy replies: "He's a pianist!"
"No way," the drunk says: "you’re pulling my leg"
So the guy next to him picks up the 12-inch man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man starts hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.
"That guy is great," the drunk says: "Where did you get him"?
The man told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
Inspired by the story, the drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When the genie finally pops out the drunk says: "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead crapping all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing.
"You bastard," he says: "I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden a million ducks appeared and started crapping all over my new suit."
The man started laughing and wildly exclaimed: "You don't really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist do you?"
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him: "What the hell is that?"
The guy replies: "He's a pianist!"
"No way," the drunk says: "you’re pulling my leg"
So the guy next to him picks up the 12-inch man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man starts hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.
"That guy is great," the drunk says: "Where did you get him"?
The man told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
Inspired by the story, the drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When the genie finally pops out the drunk says: "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead crapping all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing.
"You bastard," he says: "I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden a million ducks appeared and started crapping all over my new suit."
The man started laughing and wildly exclaimed: "You don't really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist do you?"
Police Station Field Trip
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Blonde Kidnapped
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Game
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Raw Materials
In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
Johnny's Little Brother
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
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