Empty
A child came crying to his mother and complained that he has severe stomach-ache. She told him, “It is because your belly is empty. Come and have some food.” The child obeyed.
The next day the mother had a heavy head ache.The child consoled her, saying innocently, “Mommy, it is because your head is empty!”
The next day the mother had a heavy head ache.The child consoled her, saying innocently, “Mommy, it is because your head is empty!”
The Truth
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decided to go home and try it
out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his
mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just
don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father
to get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth." Johnny's father promptly
handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a
word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school
the next day when he saw the mailman at his front
door. Little Johnny greeted him by saying, "I
know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened
his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a
big hug."
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decided to go home and try it
out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his
mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just
don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father
to get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth." Johnny's father promptly
handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a
word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school
the next day when he saw the mailman at his front
door. Little Johnny greeted him by saying, "I
know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened
his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a
big hug."
Jack's Last Will
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my son-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
Going to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Son: "But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
Mother: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers too hate me"
Mother: "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
Mother: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Son: "But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
Mother: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers too hate me"
Mother: "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
Mother: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
ATM's Sardar
A sardar was drawing money from ATM, the sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"
Sardar on Manmohan singh
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.
Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''
Note: Manmohan Singh is the Prime Minister (PM) of INDIA
Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''
Note: Manmohan Singh is the Prime Minister (PM) of INDIA
Doctor
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
Good Manners
A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael said: Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?
Sherman said: I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.
Annoying Boy On Bus
Little Johnny walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy Little Johnny , who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
Little Johnny goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at Little Johnny , ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
Little Johnny smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy Little Johnny , who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
Little Johnny goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at Little Johnny , ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
Little Johnny smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
Stress Reliever
Stress Reliever #1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am ?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 8
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others as they never allow me to sleep.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 11
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 12
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 13
Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am ?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 8
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others as they never allow me to sleep.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 11
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 12
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 13
Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
Credit : Jet
The Driving Test
A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
Johnny Likes to Gamble
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
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